A Complete Guide to Negotiation in BDSM

Negotiation. Doesn’t sound all that sexy, does it? The word conjures up hostage situations, business deals, divorce proceedings… basically a whole bunch of stuff that isn’t nearly as fun as doing stupid kinky things to another human being.

But negotiation is a super-important part of BDSM.

It can take any of a variety of forms, but at its most basic it’s a conversation about what you and your chosen partner want: what you want to do to each other; what you want to happen afterwards; what you want to call each other while it’s happening, and more besides.

Done right, negotiation isn’t as much of a faff as it sounds. And it will do a lot to make sure everyone involved enjoys the scene that happens afterwards.

Here’s a simple, straightforward way to handle negotiation.

How to negotiate a BDSM scene/relationship

Troubleshooting

How to negotiate a BDSM scene/relationship

1. Find an interested partner

Negotiation can happen in a range of settings. Someone might approach you at a kink event. You might approach someone else and ask to play with them. You might meet someone on Tinder who’s into the same things you’re into. You might be bringing kink into an existing relationship.

Whatever the context, you need someone who’s interested in playing with you.

Once you’ve established that they’re into you (hurrah!) you can start talking about what you’re gonna do together. This should happen before you actually do anything, because people don’t think very clearly when they’re excited or horny or partially-submerged in lubricant.

How long before is up to you. With someone you meet at an event you’ll probably have a chat at the bar. With someone you’re dating you can discuss things over the phone the night before, or via email. With an existing partner you can go out for tapas and a long, explicit chat.

All are valid – just as long as you take the time to actually do it.

2. Hit all the crucial points

Here’s a list of things you should discuss with your partner during negotiation.

Of course, context matters. You may be able to skip one of two of these, especially if you’ve known your partner for a long time. In most cases, though, you’ll want to hit everything on this list.

Identities	How does each of you identify (top, bottom, sub, dom, switch, etc)? Do these roles complement each other, or is there going to be some wrangling for control?
Sexual Contact	Will play involve sexual contact? What kind? Who is going to be penetrating whom, if anyone? What contraception will be used, if necessary? Have you each gotten an STI check recently?
Consensual Nonconsent	Will play involve consensual nonconsent? If so, what safewords/gestures will be used? The traditional safeword is “Red”, but “Boris Johnson” works just as well, and has the added effect of immediately killing the mood.
Marks and Bruises	Are marks and bruises acceptable? Where and how severe? Think about whether you’re planning on going swimming or for a massage in the next few days before breaking out the bullwhip.
Aftercare	What might each of you need after a scene? How will these needs be met? Are you going to hang out and go for a milkshake afterwards, or does one or other of you need to go catch a plane? Is anyone likely to want a blanket and some cuddles?
Hard Limits	Acts which will be avoided completely. If you don’t like being anally fisted, now is an excellent time to mention this and save yourself from future awkwardness.
Soft Limits	Acts which will be approached with caution. If one of you might like something but isn’t entirely convinced, are you going to explore that funhouse today or stick it on the to-do list for another time?
Medical History	What medical history do you/your partner have? This includes allergies, prescribed medication, recreational drugs, injured joints, vulnerable dental work, ongoing medical conditions, and anything that has previously resulted in hospitalisation. The more you know…
Privacy	Will anyone other than the people involved be told about this scene? Do the two of you have any common friends or acquaintances? Do either of you plan on mentioning what you’re about to do to any of them?

3. Talk about some fun stuff too

That was all a bit serious, wasn’t it? That’s cool. Negotiation can be functional and serious if you want it to be. Sometimes that’s actually pretty exciting.

Often, though, you’ll want it to be fun.

So, as well as hitting on the above points, use this as an opportunity to discuss what turns you on, what turns your partner on, and what kinds of fun you’re about to have. Think of it as verbal foreplay.

Here are a few ideas for bonus negotiation topics

Orgasms	What makes you come? What makes your partner come? Is having an orgasm important to one or both of you? Is it something you have for dessert after play, or something you want to be an integral part of the scene?
To Do Lists	What are some things that you or your partner want to try in the near future? What are some elaborate or specific fantasies that you might be able to play out together?
Attractions	Do you find one another attractive? If so, what is it about each of you that turns the other on? What was it that first attracted you to your partner? If you don’t find one another attractive… well… um… skip this one.
Past Experiences	What are some scenes and acts that you’ve enjoyed in the past? Share stories. Talk about that one time you ruined a perfectly good memory foam mattress but it was totally worth it. Talk about things that you found unexpectedly hot in the past.

4. Play

That’s it. You’ve done it. You’ve negotiated like a champ.

Given what you’ve discussed, you may have had to make a few changes to what you planned to do. Perhaps your partner wants something a little lighter than you were envisaging. Perhaps an old injury means that you’re going to have to opt for a spanking rather than a flogging.

Negotiation may cause your plans to change. And that’s a good thing.

Don’t think of negotiation as having limited your possibilities. It’s quite the opposite. Getting limits and boundaries out on the table before play begins means that you’ll have a way better, smoother, more enjoyable scene than you otherwise would have done.

So: smile. Remember what you discussed. Then go at it.

Troubleshooting

How do we stay organised?

You’re going to cover a lot of ground during the process of negotiation. There’s a lot to talk about, and you might end up going into quite a lot of detail. It’s easy to forget things.

There’s a simple solution to this problem: take notes.

You can do that in a range of ways, but I suggest using a BDSM checklist. Like this one, which I made. It maps out everything in neat little boxes, and means that you won’t forget stuff, neglect stuff, or have to scribble down your thoughts on a convenient napkin.

We can’t agree on something…

That’s cool. You’re both humans. You’re both wild and free and strange. There’s bound to be some things on which you don’t completely align.

When this happens, you may be able to come to a compromise. But only compromise when you are comfortable doing so.

For example, you might want a lot of aftercare once a scene is done: cuddles, blankets, hot chocolate and a pat on the face. Your partner, however, might really want to be alone after play.

Dilemma.

You might be able to come to a compromise whereby you agree to a certain amount of aftercare before your partner splits. Or whereby you cozy up in the same room, but still give them their space.

If that works for both of you: fabulous. But – and I can’t stress this enough – if you’re not happy making a concession on something, then don’t.

Just because you’ve talked to someone about the possibility of playing, you are under no obligation whatsoever to go ahead and play. It is okay for things – even things that seem small and stupid – to be deadlbreakers.

But I don’t know what I want…

Ah. Welcome to being human. Play, for many people, is one long process of trial and error. It is experimentation. Glorious, messy, often-surprising experimentation, during which you learn oodles of weird stuff about you and your body.

When you start out, you’ll likely only have a very vague idea of what you’re interested in. And that’s fine. Share that uncertainty with your partner. The following are all valid things to say:

“I don’t know.”
“I think I’ll like that, but I’m not really sure.”
“Can we try that a little bit and see how it goes?”
“That idea turns me on, but I don’t think I want to actually try it.”
“I want to go away and read about that before deciding.”

These things are all better than the thing which a lot of people say when new to kink and unsure what they’re into:

“I’m happy to try anything.”

No. You’re not. You just think you are because you don’t know what anything might actually encompass. Help your partner out by sharing what you do know, and then – all being well – you can start learning and exploring together.