I’ve written before about what to expect at a munch, but that’s not the only (nor, by some standards, the most exciting) kind of kinky gathering that exists. There are also play parties. These are where all the juicy, freaky, fun stuff happens.
Being hotbeds of perversion, play parties are often hosted in basements, hidden dungeons, or other private spaces. They’re sometimes expensive, sometimes exclusive, and sometimes boundaried by a whole bunch of poorly-explained rules.
All of which can make them somewhat scary to attend.
As with munches, no two parties are completely alike. But, in general terms, here’s what you should expect from your first ever kinky party.
Contents
How do I find a play party to attend?
What happens when I get there?
How do I find a play party to attend?
Start with FetLife. It only takes a few minutes to create a profile if you don’t have one already. Create a content-free shell profile if you’re worried about privacy. Set you location, hit “Events”, and see what kind of perverse nonsense is going down in your local area.
Some parties are open to everyone: you buy a ticket and you’re in. Others are more exclusive. For the vast majority you’ll need to know the right person to get a foot (and, indeed, the whole rest of your body) in the door.
How do you get to know the right person? Mainly: go to munches, make friends, prove that you’re not human garbage by being polite and decent and cool.
Different events have different vetting standards. Sometimes you’ll need to have bumped into one of the organisers in person before you stand a chance of getting in. Some organisers may simply want you to send them a little intro via private message. Sometimes it’s enough that you’re a friend of their friend.
To find out how vetting works for the event you want to attend, check the event description. And if it’s not clear, ask. No good event host is going to be annoyed by someone new to the scene politely seeking clarification.
What should I wear?
While munches are generally pretty casual, parties almost always have a dress code. This might be as simple as “all black” or as complicated as a postmodern novel. However long it is, read it and stick to it.
Complex dress codes exist for a couple of reasons. First and foremost they stop “tourists” (vanilla people who want to have an adventure and gawp at some freaks) from getting in. They also create an atmosphere, and ensure that everyone who steps in the door has (at the very least) the wherewithal to read and follow some simple instructions.
If you’re attending a party, follow the dress code – even if it requires you to buy a whole new outfit. Think of it as an investment; all being well, there’ll be many more parties after this one to wear it to.
What should I bring?
As well as your outfit, it’s also quite normal to bring toys to a party. There may be some toys available at the venue for general use, which is great as far as cuffs, chains and restraints go. But do you really want to use a gag that’s been sitting out in a dungeon all evening? If the answer is no, bring your own toys.
At most parties there’ll be a place to store your kit. If you’re at a real nice venue there might even be lockers and changing rooms. It’ll say in the event description if there are. If it doesn’t explicitly say that there’ll be storage space available you should restrict your kit to stuff you don’t mind lugging around all night.
What happens when I get there?
You’ll pay, show your ticket, get your hand stamp, or give your name at the door. Someone in charge will probably give your costume a sceptical once-over to make sure you’re not dragging down the atmosphere with jeans and a hooded top.
Once your inside you may be asked to read some rules, and possibly even sign a waiver. Do both. They’re usually reasonable. If anything seems unclear to you, ask. Now’s the best time to do so, no decent person is going to take a dig at you for seeking clarification at this stage of the evening.
Most parties will have someone on hand to give new people a tour when they arrive – they’ll walk you around the venue and tell you how things work in different rooms.
If nobody offers you a tour (or at the very least a brief chat about how things work) ask for one. Find an organiser, tell them you’re new to the venue, and ask if someone can show you the ropes (hahaha). They’ll probably be delighted to.
If nobody is around to answer questions, or the organisers refuse to answer questions or show you around… you’ve probably unwittingly selected a shitty party. Ah well. Give yourself a tour as best you can. You’re worth it.
What am I allowed to do?
What you’re allowed to get up to at a party varies from venue to venue. Most of the time what is allowed is determined by local laws and licencing regulations. In most venues in the UK, for example, you’re not allowed to do very much at all: nudity, sex acts, and anything more extreme than a little light spanking are banned by order of the sheriff.
Some other venues are okay with you fucking, cutting, pissing, and sploshing to the extent of your appetite… although they’ll probably have designated spaces where they’d prefer you to do each of these activities.
Some venues allow alcohol. Others do not. A surprising number will have a small kitchenette where you can get a cup of tea or a can of soda, or stash your own alcohol if they’re operating a bring-your-own-bottle system.
What will I see?
Depending on the venue, you’ll either see a lot of spanking and some cool costumes… or plenty of nudity and some real fucked-up shit. If you’ve got a preference, then consult the posted rules of a given event before attending to see what’s allowed and what’s not.
At any event you’re almost guaranteed to see some excellent tattoos, something kinky you don’t know the name of, and at least one couple having a quiet relationship breakdown. Collect all three for a special prize.
What will the people be like?
Generally friendly. Most parties are chill. If you’re in a play area or watching a scene don’t expect anyone to talk to you, and don’t expect anyone to welcome you starting a conversation either. Chatting near people who are playing ruins the vibe, and makes for some weird conversations anyway.
Many event spaces will, however, also have a social space – somewhere for people to relax after intense scenes, or just hang out rather than playing. Within this space, conversation is welcome. You’ll find yourself talking to people in much the same way as you might on any other night out.
There will (or, at least, should be) some people keeping an eye on the play areas at any event. These people are usually called Dungeon Monitors. They might wear a badge or a lanyard to that effect, or might just be identifiable because of their general air of watchfulness. If you have questions or problems, or need help with anything, they should be your first port of call.
How should I behave?
If you want to play, and you have someone to play with, great. At most events this will mean playing in front of at least a few curious onlookers. Venues with private rooms are semi-rare, particularly in the UK.
Good events are popular, which means you may have to wait your turn to use the equipment. There’s no real system for this. If you want to use a piece of equipment or furniture that’s currently in use you can linger around until it becomes available, or politely ask other onlookers (or a nearby Dungeon Monitor) if anyone else is waiting to use it after the current players.
Don’t interrupt scenes that are in progress. Don’t try and join in. You might see other people joining in, and figure it’s a free-for-all. I can guarantee you it’s not. 99% of the time when you see people playing at parties they already know one another, and have done at least some negotiation earlier in the night.
Which brings me to a very important point. Unless you go with someone you already know and who you have agreed to play with, don’t expect to meet new people and play with them that night. Not saying it won’t happen – sometimes it does. But if you’re going to a play party on your own, go with the expectation that you won’t find someone to play with. Make it your mission simply to watch some cool scenes, have a chat in the social area, and have a good time. Any play that does happen is a bonus.
If you do play, don’t hog a piece of equipment for ages. Wipe things down or put them in a designated place to be cleaned after you’re done. If you’re in any doubt about how to use a piece of equipment, go looking for a Dungeon Monitor before you use it.
You will almost certainly see people breaking the posted rules. If it’s something innocuous, like a violation of what seemed to you like an ultra-strict dress code… well, you can chalk it up to them probably being friends with an organiser. If it’s something which might be causing harm – like engaging in an activity that’s against the rules – tell a Dungeon Monitor. That’s what they’re there for.
Most of all: have fun. It’s a party. It’s play. The point of it all is for you and everyone else there to have a good night. If you attend your first play party with an open mind and zero expectations you stand a very good chance of doing just that.
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Well done and certainly needed. Being open and open minded and controlled (do NOT go high, should be emphasized as well. Be prepared to be an adult among adults,,,