A Look at Poundland’s Sex Toy Range

In 2021, Poundland – a UK retailer known for its suspiciously-cheap merchandise – developed a range of budget sex toys. The responses to this have been, to say the least, mixed.

Some members of the public were, predictably, appalled by the mere sight of something vaguely sexy in the place where they’d normally buy their crafting supplies and economy size bags of crisps. Others (being of the demographic for which a dildo could never possibly be anything but a joke) were merely gleefully amused.

Arguments were made that selling sex toys in the same shop as other items was a sign of moral corruption. Counter arguments were made that cheap and easily available sex toys allow even those living in poverty to have access to pleasure.

The whole thing generated an insane number of headlines… which is exactly what Poundland wanted. Doing something that looks a bit naughty and profiting off the ensuing scandal has been a cheap marketing tactic practised by thousands of businesses through the ages.

For what it’s worth, all of the various opinions about these toys are fine and valid. It is a bit jarring seeing dildos in a shop that has always otherwise been family friendly. Stocking sex toys in a high street store is a great way to normalise sexy stuff in a culture that’s famously extremely uptight and repressed. Poor people do deserve to be able to enjoy a full range of sexual experiences, including the use of toys. 

However, what’s not covered by any of the hundreds and hundreds of almost-identical news stories about the range is this: are they actually any good?

To answer that question, I went and bought one of every item from Poundland’s current range. Doing so cost me less than a single good-quality dildo from a reputable manufacturer, and I was even able to pick up a big bag of Starmix at the same time.

My haul included:

• A Nooky Dildo
• A Nooky Clitoral and G-Spot Vibrator
• A set of Nooky Love Beads
• A Nooky G-Spot Vibrator
• A Nooky Finger Fun Clitoral Stimulator
• A box of Nooky Blue Pills for Men

A leisurely examination of the toys revealed that they were, as I’d anticipated, not great. The dildo had a sticky, unpleasant texture and noticeable rubber odour. The love beads (ostensibly a set of vibrating anal beads) weren’t anal safe. The G-Spot vibrator was way out of scale, looking more like a toy baling hook than an implement designed for pleasure.

Across the range the materials were cheap and unpleasant, the controls fiddly, the vibrations generally harsh, noisy, and difficult to control. In most cases there was no clear indication that the toys were made from bodysafe materials, and half of them broke or stopped working after just a few minutes of handling.

Poundland’s Blue Pills contained caffeine and Guarana, and thus should in theory have had at least some stimulant effect. In actuality they did nothing except cause slight heartburn, and make my breath absolutely reek of ginger (one of the other main ingredients in the pills) for several hours – something which, if anything, had a distinctly anti-aphrodisiac effect.

The collection was, in short, about what you’d expect from a range of sex toys that, for the most part, cost less than a prawn sandwich.  

Poundland’s range of sex toys are crap. That’s a fairly predictable bit of analysis. But, for what it’s worth, they’re no more crap than a lot of other cheap and poorly-made sex toys on the market. Whether you buy an alarmingly-cheap dildo from Poundland or from AliExpress, the issues you’ll run into (poor build quality, lack of bodysafeness, a general ineffectiveness, etc) are all the same.

To look on the bright side, at least Poundland is making sex toys more visible and more available. Perhaps it’ll prompt some people who have never experimented before to try using a vibrator or an insertable. And perhaps the experience will be passable enough that it’ll open the door to further experimentation with toys that are… well… actually good.