BDSM Roles and Archetypes

There is no one correct way to do kink stuff. Different people have different needs, and thus find different types of relationship fulfilling. Fortunately, there are many, many different roles, archetypes and relationship structures to pick from.

Dominant/submissive and Master/slave relationships might seem like the norm in the kink scene… but these are just a few of the many different relationships possible.

This page lists some of the most common dynamics in BDSM. You might find it useful for understanding the relationship enjoyed by a friend or acquaintance… or for pinning down the kind of kink-based relationship you want to pursue.

Big + little

A relationship which revolves around age regression play. One person will be the little (they may be a boy, boi, girl, teen or a little of indeterminate age) and one person will be the big, or grown-up.

Play may involve a lot of elements of a standard BDSM relationship – such as bondage and spanking – with the only difference being that the participants roleplay that they are different ages. However, big/little relationships may also revolve around more vanilla activities, with the big partner supervising bedtime stories, bathtime, or trips to the zoo.

Bimbo

If you haven’t heard the term “bimbo” before, it generally refers to a conventionally attractive but intelluctually dim woman. Classic characteristics of a bimbo include large (perhaps surgically enhanced) breasts, long nails, a short skirt, lots of pink and fluffy things, blonde hair and a bovine, vacant expression.

Lots of kinky people enjoy playing with the idea of turning their partner from a smart, independent and capable woman into a hapless bimbo. This process is sometimes called bimbofication.

Brat

A brat is a human with submissive tendencies who enjoys pushing back against their dominant partner by disobeying, talking back, and generally making a nuisance of themselves. While submissives and slaves tend to want to obey, brats want to be made to obey.

You can have bratty tendencies without identifying as a brat full-time. And brats plug into most other dynamics quite comfortably. You can be a bratty pet, a bratty submissive, a bratty masochist, and so on.

A dominant partner who has a strong preference for playing with brats is sometimes referred to as a “brat tamer”. Sounds exotic, doesn’t it?

Cuckold + bull

The dictionary defines a cuckold as “a man whose wife is sexually unfaithful, often regarded as an object of derision.” In kink contexts, it’s anyone who enjoys knowing (or, indeed, watching) as their partner fucks someone else instead of fucking them.

The feminine equivalent of a cuckold, by the way, is a cuckquean. Note the spelling. And a bull? That’s a term for a guy that a couple interested in cuckolding brings in to make it happen. The feminine equivalent for that is the wonderfully punny cuckcake.

Dominant + submissive

A relationship in which one person is in control, and one person surrenders control. This is a good general label, and fits to some degree with most of the other relationship archetypes listed here.

Dominant is often shorted to dom, or just D. Submissive is often shortened to sub, or just s. This gives us the abbreviation D/s. The capitalisation, of course, is intended to indicate how important each person is in the context of the relationship. Isn’t that cute?

Feminizer + sissy

A sissy is a person who – though they normally present as male – enjoys being made to dress and act in ways that are traditionally considered feminine. Think being tucked into a tight pair of panties, made to shave and wax, and paraded around in a mini-skirt. A feminizer is someone who specifically enjoys making this happen.

While sissies enjoy looking feminine, they often find it somewhat humiliating too.

There’s no commonly-used term for women who enjoy being made to dress like boys, but there probably should be. A sissy, of course, can be either gender. See bimbofication for a variation on this dynamic.

Findomme + paypig

Financial domination. That’s when someone gets off on voluntarily showering another person with money, OR on having their money extracted from them by someone powerful or dominant.

In most cases it’s a man that’s being rinsed for money and a woman doing the rinsing. That’s just how the modern-day relic of a deeply-rooted patriarchal history goes, I guess.

Hotwife

This pleasingly self-explanatory term refers to a woman who is so attractive that her husband (or other partner) considers her worth sharing with other people. Often, in a hotwife dynamic, the hot wife will be encouraged to play, fuck, or flirt with other men – often at her husband’s direction, while he’s watching, or with the intent to tell him about it in detail afterwards.

Hotwifing has some superficial commonalities with cuckolding… but in this case the husband isn’t being cucked or denied. Instead he’s the one who is generously sharing (and, in doing so, liberating) his partner.

Kajira/kajirus

This dynamic arises from the gorean subculture, which is based on a series of novels written in the 1990s by philosophy professor John Norman. The books describe a universe in which women are routinely and ritually sexually enslaved… and more often than not grow to like it.

Lots of people enjoy acting out the dynamics described in the books. You’ll have to read them in full if you want to get a proper picture of the fantasy world of Gor – but for quick reference a “Kajira” is a female sex slave and a “Kajirus” is the (much rarer) male variant.

Leatherman/leatherwoman

The leather community predates the BDSM community as it exists today… although in recent years the leather community has dwindled in size and scope. For most of its existence it was primarily the preserve of gay men, but there are now a number of leather groups which include gay women too.

Someone who identifies as part of the leather community generally enjoys wearing and interacting with leather or rubber, and may also be a member of a leather-based organisation, or in some other way participate in the organised leather community.

A leatherman or leatherwoman is someone who is older, more senior in the community, or more dominant. A leatherboy/boi or leathergirl is someone who is younger, more junior in the community, or more submissive.

Master + slave

Master/slave relationships are pretty similar to dominant/submissive relationships. They may be characterised by a higher level of formality and protocol, and the people involved will generally consider themselves a bit more “serious” than other D/s people.

The general belief is that someone who identifies as a slave does so because they surrender a larger amount of control than someone who identifies as a submissive.

In reality, though, it’s entirely down to your personal preference whether you’re a Dominant/submissive pairing or a Master/slave pairing. There is precisely zero need to prove to anyone else that you’re masterful enough or slavish enough to use these labels.

Owner + pet

A relationship which revolves heavily around pet play. One person takes the role of the pet (they might be a puppy, kitten, pony, or any other animal), and one person takes the role of their owner.

The activities a pet and their owner engage in might include grooming, training, and the wearing of animal restraints (like collars and leashes). It can also involve more standard BDSM activities like spanking and bondage.

Predator + prey

This archetype indicates a couple that indulges in primal play. As with other archetypes, play might involve a range of other BDSM activities, but in this case will often focus on biting, scratching, wrestling, and other animalistic shenanigans.

The predator is the person who’s in charge or administering the activity to the other person. The prey is the person who’s having things done to them, or who is at the whim of said predator. Sometimes who is predator and who is prey simply comes down to who is physically stronger or faster, and can therefore physcially dominate the other.

Rigger + bunny

A rigger is someone who enjoys tying people up, usually in complex or aesthetically-pleasing ways. A bunny is someone who enjoys being tied up, especially in complex or aesthetically-pleasing ways. The two, naturally, go together pretty well.

The relationship between a rigger and a bunny may be sexual or platonic, intense or casual. This dynamic is one that can be infinitely variable, as suits the people involved.

Sadist + masochist

A masochist is someone who enjoys being subjected to pain – either because they experience pain as pleasure, or because they find it hot. A sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain. Get the two together and you can have an absolute party.

The focus on pain is what sets this relationship archetype apart from others. It’s possible to play with pain without having one partner be dominant and the other submissive, and without involving any kind of protocol play.

Stag + vixen

A stag is a man who enjoys watching his partner (or “vixen”) having sex with other men. The gender roles can also be reversed here, with the vixen watching the stag.

Unlike with cuckolding, there’s no element of humiliation here. The stag isn’t denied sexual contact, and nor is he the subject of derision. He might even get involved, if he feels like it.

This is also superficially similar to hotwifing, but the vixen may not be a wife, and there’s less of a focus on her conventional attractiveness.

Sugar baby + sugar daddy/mommy

A sugar daddy/mommy is usually someone who is financially well-endowed, and rewards their sugar baby with regular gifts of money, trips abroad or other lavish goods.

These kinds of relationships can be arranged in any number of ways. Sometimes a sugar baby will be rewarded with a fixed amount for every date, and sometimes it’ll look more like a normal relationship… just with one person involved being unusually generous as and when it suits them.

Unlike in a findomme + paypig situation, in a sugar baby relationship the power remains with the wealthy individual, who usually enjoys treating and rewarding their sugar baby.

Swinger

Swingers have a lot of different kinds of fun, but the term is generally used to refer to someone who (if single) engages in organised group sex on a regular basis, or (if in a couple) who routinely swaps partners with other swingers.

Switch

A switch is someone who enjoys taking on both dominant and submissive roles. As previously mentioned, there are no rules about this. You can switch in the middle of scene. You can be dominant with one partner and submissive with another. You do you.

Switches plug into most other dynamics on this list pretty well. A switch/switch relationship is great, but with some negotiation a switch can also get along well in any number of other permutations: dominant/switch, submissive/switch, light/switch, etc.

Top + bottom

Top and bottom are generic ways of referring to the different people in a scene. The top is generally the one aministering the activity to the bottom. If, for example, we’re talking about a spanking scene, the top is the one who’s delivering the spanking.

Top/bottom is usefully distinct from other archetypes, as it doesn’t give any indication as to who is really in charge. If someone wants to experience being spanked, but wants to retain complete control of the scene, they can be a bottom without being a submissive.

Total Power Exchange

In this type of relationship the submissive partner gives up total control over their life to the dominant partner. This might be on a round-the-clock basis, or just for a few hours during play. TPE relationships are characterised by their extreme and complete nature.

A lot of people get pretty wrapped up in their TPE relationships. If you’re involved with the scene at all, you might notice that some people treat TPE as the gold standard holy grail of kinky relationship types – the best and most interesting of all possible dynamics.

(To be clear, though, it’s no better or worse than any other dynamic. People just tend to get very excited about it, bless them.)

Vanilla

Someone who is vanilla is someone who has little or no interest in engaging in kinky activities, and just wants to have a nice normal time in the bedroom. Most vanilla people aren’t interested in engaging in the dynamics listed here.

Because vanillas are few and far between in the kink community, the term is often used in the manner of an insult. It shouldn’t be. Being vanilla is just as valid a choice as being kinky, and should be treated as such.

None of the above

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating: if none of the above dynamics suit you, that’s absolutely fine. You don’t have to fit yourself into any of them. They’re labels – and labels can be useful tools sometimes, but they’re also just the start of a conversation, not a complete answer in and of themselves.

Hopefully the archetypes described above are useful. But, as a reminder: you are not required to pick an identity. You’re not required to talk about your identity. And you’re certainly not required to simplify your complex and multi-faceted self just to make it easier for other humans to understand you.

If you interact with the kink community at all, you’ll almost certainly be asked how you identify. Here are some valid answers:

• “I prefer to keep that private.”
• “I don’t know.”
• “I’m exploring.”
• “It’s complicated, but I’m happy to talk about it if you’d like?”
• “I don’t identify with any particular label.”
• “It varies.”
• “I’m not sure how to answer that, but I can talk about what I’m into?”