The Dick Codes of Literary Villains

Do you ever wonder what Voldemort’s dick looks like? I know I do. Thankfully, the world is a place which contains Dick Code – a neat little online thingy originally intended to facilitate the sending of accurate genital diagrams with minimal risk of the sender’s “dick ending up on Tumblr”. Secondary to this noble purpose (and for those whose dicks are already on Tumblr) Dick Code can also be used to construct illustrations of all manner of fantasy phalluses. Here, then, are my informed interpretations of the genitals of some of the most evil guys in modern literature.

Professor Moriarty

The Sherlock Holmes Stories by Arthur Conan Doyle

Extremely tall and thin, with a sinister left-leaning curve. For some reason I imagine Moriarty as hairless (he has a definite lizard-like feel about him) and uncannily squashy, a bit like an overripe avocado (AKA every avocado ever). I’ve given him a slender, pensive head and small but efficient balls. He’s a definite leaker. Overall, Moriarty’s is a fastidious yet ineffective dick. And so is his penis.

Voldemort

The Harry Potter Books by JK Rowling

Not even Goblet of Fire had anything to say about He Who Must Not Be Named’s junk, but it’s safe to assume that – like everything about him – it is smooth, sinuous, and snake-like. I picture mid-size but quite dangly balls and an extremely brief but high pressure ejaculation – the kind that could strike you dead from across a room unless someone who loved you very much threw themselves in the way.

Anton Chigurh

No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy

Perhaps it’s the fact that he uses a bolt gun as his weapon of choice, but what comes to mind when thinking of Cormac McCarthy’s ruthless hitman is this: short and squat. Like a cannon. Probably quite leathery too. I imagine him as more or less immune to orgasm, what with him being a remorseless killing machine who cares about nothing and nobody. Mid-size balls.

Randall Flagg

The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King

Randall Flagg, for me, is characterised by his balls. Huge, flapping, engorged, old-man testicles – absurdly large, and probably swinging merrily back and forth between his legs as he nudges the world towards a state of chaos and mass destruction. The dick itself is more or less an afterthought, although obviously it’s probably ludicrously veiny and about as hairy as a woolly mammoth on a cold day.

Count Dracula

Dracula by Bram Stoker

I’m no stranger to vampire dick, and the erstwhile Count’s is probably the most famous vampire dick of all time. The book describes him variously as “pointy”, “angular” and “aquiline”, which leads me to guess that his dick is so sharp you could poke your eye out with it. I also imagine it as pale enough to be translucent, hairless and supernaturally long. Oh, and he probably comes an absolutely absurd amount. You know what the aristocracy are like.

Sauron

The Lord Of The Rings Books by JRR Tolkien

For most of the main trilogy it’s unclear whether Sauron has much of a physical form to speak of. Whatever he did have in the way of a bod, I like to imagine that it came with an absolute cocktail-sausage of a cock. What else would drive a man to try and conquer Middle Earth? He probably never got laid all that much, but when he did I’m willing to bet it was… messy, to say the least.