Do I Need a Safeword? A Guide to Safewords in BDSM

The existence of safewords is pretty much common knowledge. Even the most vanilla peeps know that, in BDSM contexts, players often have safewords which they can use to call for mercy if they need to.

Thus you probably already know what a safeword is. But, just in case you don’t: a safeword is a pre-agreed word or phrase that, when spoken, brings a scene to an end, regardless of what’s happening at the time.

Sounds simple, right? There are, however, a few nuances it’s worth being aware of, and a few different ways of approaching safewords. Here’s a complete guide to safewords in BDSM.

Contents

---

Do I need a safeword?

What should my safeword be

Emotions about using your safeword

Do I need a safeword?

---

Well… no. You don’t always need to agree a safeword in advance with your partner, even when doing serious kinky stuff. Why? Well, primarily because in most cases there are dozens of pre-made safewords that should stop a scene if uttered. These might include:

• “No.”
• “Stop.”
• “That’s too hard.”
• “Wait a second.”
• “Little break?”

Most of the time there’s no reason you can’t simply communicate with your partner as you would at any other time. If you need a break, or if something isn’t working for you, or whatever… just tell them so in the normal human way.

There are, however, some situations in which having a safeword can definitely help:

When playing puts your partner in a headspace where they might find it difficult to string together a sentence. Having a safeword gives them something to focus on, and makes it easier for them to stop a scene if they need to.

When you’re doing consensual nonconsent stuff. That means anything where one of you wants to vocally or physically resist, and have that resistance ignored. Rape fantasy stuff, ravishment, CNC – whatever you want to call it. A safeword provides a way to ask for the scene to stop for real in case anything unexpected happens.

What should my safeword be?

---

When it comes to picking a safeword, the world’s your oyster. Your safeword might be…

Anything at all

There’s really no prescription for what your safeword should be. You could pick the name of a pet, your favourite (or least favourite) Prime Minister, or any other random word from the dictionary.

What the word is matters way, way less than everyone involved in the scene knowing and remembering it. So, perhaps the only real rule is this: keep it simple.

Red/amber/green

The traffic light system is pretty universally recognised in BDSM circles. It goes like this:

“Red”	“I need things to stop right now.”
“Yellow/Amber”	“This is getting to be a bit much. Can we slow down or check in?”
“Green”	“Everything is fine. Carry on. Maybe even a little harder?”

Numbers

For a slightly more nuanced approach than the ol’ traffic light system, you can use a 1 – 10 scale which roughly matches up with the pain scale used in medicine. Here’s a loose interpretation of it:

1	Basically fine. You’re experiencing some sensation, but it’s barely perceptible as pain.
2	Insignificant pain. Something like an itch or an insect bite.
3	Noticeable pain. You’re experiencing pain, but could basically tolerate it indefinitely.
4	Moderate pain. The pain is becoming more pronounced and difficult to tolerate.
5	Uncomfortable pain. You’re experiencing pain that you could only tolerate for a few minutes.
6	Significant pain. The pain you’re experiencing is challenging.
7	Approaching limits. You’re close to the limit of pain that you can tolerate. Very uncomfortable.
8	Severe pain. Pain that you cannot easily tolerate, or can only tolerate for a split-second at a time.
9	Very severe pain. The most pain you can take.
10	Probably too much pain. Pain that goes beyond your tolerances, and which you would like to stop.

Tone of voice

In addition to having a safeword, you can also make your partner easier to read by having them speak to you during a scene. You might get them to count the number of cane strokes they take, thank you repeatedly for whatever terrible thing you’re doing to them, or read from a set text while you fuck or spank them, as per that one film with Maggie Gyllenhaal.

This is something you can use in addition to a safeword, rather than instead of one – but having the receiving partner speak constantly throughout a scene (and actually listening to their tone of voice) makes it pretty unlikely that you’ll ever need to use a safeword.

Safegestures

Sometimes a spoken safeword isn’t going to be a viable option. Perhaps your beloved’s mouth is full of ball gag, or cock, or piss, or a dildo. Perhaps they’re being smothered by your genitals.

In these situations you should agree on a safegesture instead. This might be as simple as them tapping on your leg when they need some relief. They could also click their fingers, shake their head, or simply go limp.

You can go one step further with a failsafe safegesture. This is usually an object that they hold in their hand which will make a significant noise if dropped… but you can also purchase buzzers which require constant pressure to keep them from sounding.

The point in these failsafe setups is that they still work even if the subject loses consciousness. If you’re doing breathplay or anything similarly dangerous, a failsafe safegesture is something you should consider.

Stop signs

As well as safewords you can also agree on some other stop signs. A stop sign is an involuntary response your partner might have during play that you both agree means you should stop. Here are some examples.

• Crying
• Becoming silent or nonresponsive
• Puking
• Pissing themselves
• Shaking uncontrollably

Emotions about using your safeword

---

Like anything involving our messy, difficult human bodies, safewording during play can often come with feelings attached. I’m no expert on feelings (I’m a boy, after all), but here are some of the most common ones that crop up around safeword stuff.

I don’t want to safeword because it will ruin the scene

Nah, mate. By using your safeword you’re stopping the scene, not ruining it. In fact, you’re preventing it from being ruined. Most decent tops/doms would consider it a pretty bad scene if they accidentally pushed you beyond where you wanted to go. Safewording is a way to help them avoid doing just that.

Of course, it feels a bit weird to stop things dead right in the middle of an intense scene. But, if you and your partner are chill about it, the use of a safeword doesn’t have to = the end of a scene. You can stop, talk over what the problem is, take a rest, eat a Twix, and start again a little bit more cautiously.

This goes for tops/doms too. If someone uses their safeword with you, be cool. It’s no big deal, so don’t make it one. Just stop what you’re doing, take a break, talk over what happened, and get back in the water once you both feel ready to.

I feel bad because my partner safeworded

Don’t. If you’ve agreed a safeword with your partner it means you’re exploring some pretty fruity territory, and doing the kinds of things that not every couple gets to do. Inevitably there are going to be moments when you need to use the safeguards you’ve put in place to help you both navigate this dangerous, unpredictable sexy landscape.

By safewording they are being honest, and looking after both themselves and you. Knowing that they feel able to explore dangerous waters with you (and to call for help with their safeword when needed) should be a source of happiness and comfort.

Not having a safeword is hot

You’re right. It is. And – if you know and trust your partner enough – deciding that safewords won’t be a part of your play is a viable option.

Of course, you should consider that it’s still possible that things will go wrong at some point during your play. Before deciding to go without safewords you should be 100% certain that 100% of the time you’ll be able to tell just from looking at and listening to your partner when they need to stop.