What do you do after a particularly intense scene (apart from regaining your breath and hoping fervently that the neighbours didn’t hear anything)? Energetic BDSM shenanigans can be both physically and mentally demanding, and it can take a while to feel normal again afterwards.
After a scene you might find yourself feeling…
- Tired
- Sad
- Isolated
- Physically weak
- Irritable
- Cold
- Hungry
- Headachey
Aftercare is anything you do for yourself or your partner after a scene to help with recovery, or to mitigate these negative feelings.
Aftercare preferences are as varying as sexual ones. Depending on your partner good aftercare can be anything from making a sandwich, to giving a hug, to meeting up the next day to play board games and drink some tea.
Some people already know what aftercare they’re going to need. Some people are still figuring it out. Mainly for that latter group, here are some ideas of things that might help you transition more smoothly from (for example) having your genitals whipped with a leather strap to (for example) reading the newspaper and brushing your teeth before bed.
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Experiencing drop
By the way, don’t worry that there’s something wrong with you if you routinely feel like shit after a great scene. Lots of people get this. It’s called dropping (“sub-drop” or “dom-drop” depending on who’s experiencing it) and it is, essentially, a by-product of the high your body gets to enjoy when you play.
After all, you’ve put your body through a really intense experience. It’s only natural that this might come with a slight hangover.
Feeling bad in the hours or days after a scene is not a sign that anything is wrong. But it isn’t pleasant, and for that reason it’s worth learning how to mitigate it. Try some of the strategies below and see if they help.
(… or not)
Not everyone needs aftercare. Most people do in some form or another, but some people can stroll away from a crazily intense play session and never feel even slightly down. If you’re in this group of people… awesome. You’re very fortunate!
Aftercare ideas
First aid
In the immediate aftermathglow of a scene, there may be some minor physical injuries to take care of (perhaps using your BDSM first aid kit). These can be anything from rope burns to cuts and abrasions to places where whipping has broken the skin. For anything serious you’ll no doubt have stopped and dealt with it as it happened. For everything else, there’s aftercare.
Warmth
Being warm, let’s be honest, is just nice. After a scene – as you go from intense physical activity to lying like a starfish on the bed, gasping and trying to remember your own name – you may start to feel a little chilly. If that happens, get under the duvet and get warm.
Bodily contact
As well as providing warmth, bodily contact is usually good for your emotional landscape. Cuddling helps calm you down, and alleviates feelings of on-the-edgeness. If one or other of you is feeling spacey, contact can help keep you grounded, and remind you that there’s someone sympathetic there if you do start feeling weird.
Calming down
The adrenaline and excitement of a good scene can leave you feeling as jittery and on-edge as an overdose of espresso. Some people find that stretching or focussing on controlling their breathing really helps with this. A warm shower is another good way to relax and dispel any fluttery or jittery sensations.
Hydration
The human body uses a lot of water, especially when it’s engaged in anything strenuous. It’s easy to get dehydrated during a scene without really noticing, and so when you do wrap things up it’s a good idea to drink a glass of water and have a light snack. If you want to get super serious about it, electrolytic sports drinks are even better than water when it comes to rehydration.
Returning to reality
You may end a scene feeling somewhat isolated from the world of the ordinary and the everyday. Having to plunge straight back into your day-to-day life is a nightmare. Some people find a buffer zone useful – an hour or two spent with their partner doing something basically ordinary. Read to one another, do some colouring in, play a board game, or… I don’t know… talk?
Talk it over
Even once you’re both grounded again, it can be extremely valuable to talk over what went down during your scene. You can pick out things that went well, things that didn’t, and things that you’d definitely like to try again. This is particularly useful if something didn’t pan out so well. Mistakes happen. Nothing is perfect. Talking about it can help ease any tension over the subject, and settle any heightened feelings about it, allowing you to return to normal more quickly.
Self-care fun
Particularly the day after play, you may wish to schedule in something pleasant for yourself. Whether that’s watching a favourite film, having an exorbitantly long wank, avoiding human contact altogether, or getting your nails done is up to you, but self-care is important. Don’t wait until you feel bad to do something nice for yourself.
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