Dominance at a Distance: How to do Long Distance Kink

The world’s a big place, and (especially with this “internet” thing the kids are all raving about) it’s now more common than ever to find your significant other on the other side of it.

It’s a difficult situation. How do you cope with missing them? How do you stay connected? How do you wrangle time to see one another, when seeing one another might mean enduring an eight-hour plane ride?

The situation becomes even more complicated when you factor in kink. Kink relationships are intense, and often intensely physical. How can you maintain that when you’re separated by a distance of many miles?

Well, here are a few ideas…

Smart Toys

Sex toys aren’t just dumb motors inside hunks of silicone anymore. There’s an increasing range of high-tech vibes available, many of which allow you to take control of a toy that your partner is using even from the other side of the world.

I’m not going to lie: smart toys are niche. They’re not for everyone. Playing with a Bluetooth-enabled sex machine over Skype can feel a little more awkward and a little less romantic than the classic mutual masturbation session.

But I recommend them nonetheless. They give you options – they’re one tool in a toolkit, and they can really help keep the fire lit while you’re apart.

If you think you can make it work for you, and you don’t mind investing a little pocket money in a quality product, I recommend We-Vibe. They’re super friendly, and they have a huge range of app-controlled products: dildos, love eggs, prostate massagers. The works.

At the cheaper end of things, you’ll find a range of smaller brands on Lovehoney, whose rock solid returns policy means you can take a risk and try something… and then totally get your money back if you don’t fall in love with it.

Sexting

There are dozens of ways to keep in touch with your kinky partner on the other side of the world, and almost all of them can be used for sexting. You can send filthy WhatsApp messages, tease your partner with dirty SnapChat snaps, or even establish a shared Dropbox for exchanging pictures and videos.

Find a medium of communication that works well for you, and get good at sexting. The art of talking dirty deserves a whole article of its own (in the works), but here are some quick ways to get started if you’re feeling a little shy:

• Start out by discussing what you want to do with your partner the next time you see one another.
• Narrate an encounter you had with one another last time you met with as much detail as you can remember.
• Have your partner masturbate while on the phone with you, or during a video call. Tell them to narrate to you everything that they’re doing.
• If you have trouble getting dirty in the moment, don’t be afraid to pre-record something; a dirty fantasy of a masturbation session, for example.

For many kinky couples communication is super important. For this reason you may with to make some rules around it. You might decide on a schedule for talking to one another, or just a protocol for checking in.

A given rule might be something along the lines of: “The first thing you must do on waking up in the morning is to text me the words ‘Good morning’.” Or perhaps, “You must text me every time you masturbate, and thank me for allowing you to come.”

Establishing rules like this is a small but meaningful way of reminding someone of your presence in their life.

Chastity

For many people (although it varies with your relationship dynamic) being away from your sexual partner means that masturbation becomes all the more important. It’s your one release – your way of checking in with your body, and feeling close to your partner even when you can’t touch them.

Playing with the way you masturbate can be a powerful element of cyber domination.

Have your submissive partner forgo self-pleasure for a period of time – maybe a day, maybe a week, or maybe a month, depending on their sex drive (or their behaviour). Enforcing chastity is a simple way to exercise some control, even at a distance, and keeps you at the forefront of their mind.

If you want to get extra-serious, you can send your partner a chastity device (you can see some examples for both men and women here) to wear. You might specify that these should be worn when completing certain chores, or between certain hours of the day.

If complete chastity doesn’t work for you as a couple, you might prefer to have them ask permission before masturbating. By allowing them to hand over control of such a deeply intimate part of their life to you like this, you can feel close to your partner even when miles apart.

Edging is also fun. Have your partner masturbate almost to orgasm, then stop. You might have them do this every day that you’re apart, or just for a brief period of time. You might trust them to do this unmonitored, or have them edge themselves during a phone call if you want to keep an eye on things.

There are many different ways to play with chastity, permission, and edging. Explore and experiment until you find one that works for you and your partner.

Homework

You might wish to set your submissive partner homework to complete while you’re apart from one another. Give them a task and a due date, at which time you can check back in and assess their performance.

Some classic kinky homework ideas include:

Task	Example
Writing Lines	“Write down the phrase, ‘I must do as I’m told or face the consequences’ 250 times, neatly and with fewer than three errors per page.”
Research	“Find five images, video clips, stories or other filthy online things that fit the theme of painful anal, and that I will like.”
Learning a Skill	“Practise walking in your new six-inch heels until you can walk, squat, and bend to the floor without stumbling.”
Memorisation	“Memorise this poem so that you can recite it to me without looking at the book next time we speak.”
Chores	“Clean and polish your entire collection of shoes. Organise them and be able to demonstrate that you have done so.”
Keeping a Diary	“Make a note in your diary every time you masturbate, every time you go outside, and every time you have a dirty thought.”
Personal Shopping	“I want to buy you a new dildo. Find several options in the under £100 price range and be prepared to talk me through the features of each.”
Writing an Essay	“Write a 1,000 word piece on the subject of your masturbatory habits and how they impact your wellbeing.”

You can save completed homework assignments until you’re physically together again, and mark them in person. Alternatively, have your submissive partner send you an email attachment, or share their completed work with you using an online service like Dropbox.

Punishments

Many kinky dynamics revolve around reward and punishment. But how can you punish someone who’s 10,000 miles away from you? One way is by removing certain privileges.

The exact privileges which are up for grabs will have to be negotiated between you and your partner. Some ideas include:

• The right to masturbate whenever they like.
• The right to take hot showers.
• The right to play with their favourite toy.
• The right to wear their favourite collar or other piece of BDSM wear.

You can also have your submissive partner inflict punishment on themselves at your discretion. Of course, when doing this it’s worth first discussing with your partner whether punishing themselves might have any negative associations for them.

Only certain types of punishment work for this. Order your submissive to spank themselves and they’re likely to go quite easy, even if they don’t mean to. Instead you might:

• Order your partner to ping themselves with a rubber band (it’s more painful than it sounds).
• Have them apply clips of pegs to sensitive parts of their body.
• Have them insert and wear a butt plug or other anal toy for a period of time.
• Make them eat something they don’t enjoy, such as a lemon, or their least favourite food.
• Any of the weird and wonderful punishments on this list.

All of the above are punishments the application of which can be verified by video or picture chat, and which it’s difficult to cheat on.