How to Make an Ice Dick

As I write this it’s the dead of winter in Edinburgh – just a sliver of pale, watery sunshine showing through the clouds, struggling to melt the frost on the ground. What better time to share some ideas for making something fuck-worthy out of frozen water, eh?

An ice dick is exactly what it sounds like: a frosty dildo made out of ice and a condom. You can make them in pretty much whatever size you like, and they’re insertable (so long as you’re careful). They’re a lot of fun… and once they melt they become an even more fun water weenie. What more could you ask for?

Contents

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Recipe

Instructions for use

Recipe

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To make this craft project you’ll need a cardboard tube of some kind. The inner from a roll of kitchen towels is ideal, but you can also duct tape together two toilet roll tubes if you don’t have one to hand. Or just roll up some sturdy card. The diameter of the tube determines the thickness of the ice cock, so adjust appropriately and tape in place.

Next, get a condom. You can use almost any kind, but I tend to go for an extra safe fella, as it minimises the possibility of inconvenient leaks. Open the packet, remove the condom, and unroll it to its full length.

Now, stand your tube on end and insert the condom. Just dangle it right in there, tip-first. Take the rubber ring at the base of the condom and stretch it over the mouth of the tube. It should stay in place all by itself, but you can use tape if you’re worried.

Congratulations. You’ve assembled a very unsexy-looking mould for your ice dick. All you need to do now is fill it with water and stick it (upright) in the freezer for at least four hours. If you have housemates… better tell them it’s a science project or something.

Instructions for use

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Once your ice dick is thoroughly frozen it can be used anytime. To do so, remove it from the freezer, tear away and discard the cardboard tube and tie off the end of the condom. The finished product should be smooth and dick-shaped without any sharp edges. If you somehow ended up with an edge, chuck it and start again.

Before inserting your ice dick into anyone or anything, you’re going to want to run it under a cold tap for a few seconds. This brings the temperature of the surface up a little, starts it melting and ensures that it doesn’t stick to anything sensitive. If you were ever foolish enough to lick a frozen lamppost you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Make sure to use it with lube, and don’t leave it in contact with the skin for more than a couple of seconds. Cold stuff can burn skin just the same as hot stuff, don’t ya know. You can strip away the condom if you want, but leaving it on means that as the dildo melts the water will remain self-contained. It even gets pleasantly squishy after a while, as a layer of water insulates the ice.

Once the ice within starts cracking your ice dick is nearing the end of it’s life. Ice can have sharp edges, so be careful on that count. Oh, and it’s super slippery too. Don’t drop it. If you break an ice dick it’s seven years bad luck.