What to Talk About Before You Play

Whenever you play with someone new there are a lot of things you need to discuss: boundaries, limits, health conditions, and more besides. Before breaking out the flogger and the pint jug of lube, you need to talk. You need to talk in detail.

Are they, for example, allergic to latex? If so, you’re going to want to know that before you’ve rammed a latex comdom waaaay up inside them.

Of course, when you’re hot and horny (or even when you’re cold and flaccid) it can be difficult to remember absolutely everything you need to talk about before a scene. That’s where my love of paperwork comes to the fore.

I designed my own kinky pre-play checklist a few years ago and have been tweaking and updating it ever since. Printing it out and filling it in with an actual pen might be a little too Blue Peter for some, but it also works just fine as a ready reckoner for the conversations you need to have before anything gets messy.

Here’s a little summary of what that list covers:

Identities	How does each person involved in play identify (top, bottom, switch, etc)? Do these roles complement each other, or is there going to be some wrangling for control?
Sexual Contact	Will play involve sexual contact? What kind? Who is going to be penetrating whom, if anyone? What contraception will be used, if necessary? Who is going to dispose of this contraception once you’re done?
Consensual Nonconsent	Will play involve consensual nonconsent? If so, what safewords/gestures will be used? The traditional safeword is “Red”, but “Boris Johnson” works just as well, and has the added effect of immediately killing the mood.
Marks and Bruises	Are marks and bruises acceptable? Where and how severe? Think about whether you’re planning on going swimming or for a massage in the next few days before breaking out the bullwhip.
Aftercare	What might each person involved need after a scene? How will these needs be met? Are you going to hang out and go for a milkshake afterwards, or does one or other of you need to go catch a plane? Is anyone likely to want a blanket and some cuddles?
Hard Limits	Acts which will be avoided completely. If you don’t like being anally fisted, now is an excellent time to mention this and save yourself from future awkwardness.
Soft Limits	Acts which will be approached with caution. If one of you might like something but isn’t entirely convinced, are you going to explore that funhouse today or stick it on the to-do list for another time?
Medical History	What medical history do you/your partner have? This includes allergies, prescribed medication, recreational drugs, injured joints, vulnerable dental work, ongoing medical conditions, and anything that has previously resulted in hospitalisation. The more you know…
Privacy	Will anyone other than the people involved be told about this scene? Do the two of you have any common friends or acquaintances? Do either of you plan on mentioning what you’re about to do to any of them?

If that seems like a lot to remember… well, it is. That’s why I made a checklist. You are, of course, welcome to use it. It’s free on Gumroad (along with my huge BDSM activity Long List), although you’re welcome to throw a few pennies my way if you find it useful or inspiring.

Download Checklist

Oh, and one last thing: don’t forget to enjoy the process of negotiating before a scene. Think of it as verbal foreplay. Not only does it allow you to pin down exactly what your prospective partner enjoys, but it gives you a chance to get into the headspace, get excited, and get ready for an awesome play session too.

That’s more than you’ll get from most bits of paperwork.