At any BDSM munch or play party you’ll see at least a few people wearing collars around their necks. As well as looking deliciously kinky, these collars might also have a great deal of meaning for the people wearing them – something which can be surprising for vanilla people, who are most likely to see a collar as just a goth fashion accessory.
In the scene, collars are (usually) more than just a look. They serve a range of purposes, and are loaded with symbolism. Here are just some of the various meanings a collar might have.
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Different types of BDSM collar
Different types of BDSM collar
A dominant/submissive collar
In most cases, for most kinky couples, a collar functions a bit like a wedding or engagement ring. It’s given by the dominant parter to the submissive partner as a sign of commitment, ownership, or just generalised affection. It usually indicates that a relationship is serious, lasting, and has kinky elements at its centre.
Sometimes the giving of a collar is accompanied by a ceremony. There’s no set format for these ceremonies, but they’re usually serious affairs, roughly equivalent in gravity to a wedding… although it’s less likely that your whole extended family will be invited.
If you’re unsure what a collar might mean, it’s a good idea to assume that it’s a dominant/submissive collar, and is thus roughly equivalent to a wedding ring. To be polite you should avoid touching it without permission, and take it as read that the wearer is happily paired up with a dominant partner already.
Day collars
Most dominant/submissive collars look kinda kinky. They might be heavy, metallic, or very thick and chunky. If worn down to the shops they’d attract the wrong kind of attention. That’s what day collars are for.
A day collar will typically be given to a submissive partner along with a dominant/submissive collar. When at home or engaging in play they can wear their favourite heavy-duty number. When out and about they can substitute in the day collar.
To help them go unnoticed by vanilla eyes, day collars are usually very plain. Often they have more in common with a necklace or a choker than they do with a spiky dog collar.
Costume collars
At the other end of the spectrum in terms of seriousness are costume collars. These are collars worn solely because they look good, or fit with a kinky costume. There’s no hidden meaning to them – they’re purely aesthetic adornments.
Even though some people treat all BDSM collars as almost-holy, you don’t need to get anyone’s approval to wear one as part of an outfit. If you think it looks good, you are 100% allowed to wear any kind of collar you like to a kink event of your choice.
Play collars
Play collars are worn to facilitate fun and games. They might look kind of heavy and serious, but they don’t usually have a lot of emotional weight attached to them. The point of a play collar might be to make the wearer feel more submissive, or to facilitate some cool bondage using one or more attachment points on the collar itself.
A popular arrangement is to have a pair of handcuffs attached by a length of chain to a collar, as in this set from Bondage Boutique. Other cool things you can attach to a collar with a length of chain include: anal hooks, nipple clamps, suction cups, or crude handwritten signs.
Training collars
These sit one step below dominant/submissive collars in terms of seriousness. A training collar is given by the dominant partner to the submissive partner, usually pretty early in the relationship. It’s something for the submissive partner to wear to help them get into the submissive mindset, get used to wearing a collar, and indicate to other kinky people that they’re “dating” a dominant.
Training collars are sometimes called consideration collars – the implication being that the submissive is being “considered” by the dominant. If they behave themselves they might one day earn a more permanent or serious dominant/submissive collar.
In keeping with their status as temporary, training collars are usually a little cheaper or more disposable than dominant/submissive collars. Something like this would work well as a training collar.
Show collars
This is any collar worn at kinky events in order to give the impression that the wearer already has a dominant partner. Why is this a thing that’s necessary? Well… basically some kink events have an excess of thirsty straight male doms. Any female-presenting, submissive-lookin’ person present will find themselves swarmed with attention that might be unwelcome.
Wearing a show collar means that guys are more likely to leave you alone. It’s a bit like wearing a fake wedding ring to deter men from hitting on you at a bar. It shouldn’t be necessary, really, but it works – and thus it’s a legit thing to do if you want a little bit of space at your next kink event.
Protection collars
A protection collar is usually given as a gift from someone who has a lot of experience in the scene to someone who is relatively new. The idea is that the newbie can use it as a show collar to deter thirsty doms. But it also comes with some in-built symbolism: by giving you a protection collar, your experienced pal is offering you their protection and guidance as you learn to navigate the scene.
If they’ve given you a protection collar, you’re probably okay to – for example – name drop them to get people to leave you alone, call them up with questions, or ask them if they can give you a reference for someone you’re planning on playing with.
Experienced scene veterans protecting newbies is a lovely idea. In theory. I’d be remiss, however, if I didn’t mention that about 50% of the time someone who offers to be your protector is really just trying to get in your pants by stealth. Humans, eh?
Pet play collars
Lots of people are into pet play – that’s kinky play which involves the submissive partner taking on the role of a fuzzy, horny little creature who needs feeding, taming, and walking around on a leash. Lots of pet play enthusiasts wear collars just because they like the way doing so makes them feel.
You can usually tell when a collar is a pet play collar. Think less polished steel and more tartan with a bone-shaped lucky charm.
Where to buy a collar
Finding a decent collar can be a tricky business. For play collars or show collars, an actual dog collar will do just fine most of the time. You can find chunky leather ones on Amazon that are comfortable once worn in.
For a dominant/submissive collar – or for something with a bit more of a bondage-y look, you’ll probably want something a bit more unique. Lovehoney and Bondara both stock a small range of well-made, versatile collars that are sized for human necks.
From their range I’d recommend this simple day collar, or this leather collar. Just be sure to check the sizing before you order, as – in most cases – collars are excluded from their returns policy.
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