Total Power Exchange (TPE) is a kinky relationship dynamic where one partner takes almost complete control over the other. It’s a very intense and all-encompassing way of having a dominant/submissive relationship.
But what does Total Power Exchange actually entail? How do Total Power Exchange relationships work? And what do people find so appealing about the prospect of giving up (or taking on) total control of their lover?
Contents
Examples of Total Power Exchange relationships
Why do people enjoy Total Power Exchange?
Misconceptions about Total Power Exchange
What is Total Power Exchange?
In simple terms, a Total Power Exchange relationship is a type of BDSM dynamic wherein the dominant partner assumes a significant amount of control over the submissive partner – control which usually extends beyond the things they do in the bedroom or dungeon.
The implication of the word “total” is that the dominant has complete control over every aspect of the submissive’s life. This is, however, not really practical for a lot of couples, so TPE will often be played with in ways that are a lot more relaxed. For example, a couple might commit to a Total Power Exchange dynamic only at weekends, or only during extended play sessions.
TPE relationships are sometimes referred to as 24/7 relationships – a reference to the fact that they are “always on”, even when outside the bedroom. Most people will use the terms TPE and 24/7 to mean more or less the same thing.
Examples of Total Power Exchange relationships
Here are some of the activities and habits that most commonly characterise Total Power Exchange relationships.
A contract of written agreement
The dominant partner might draft a contract or a written set of rules for the submissive partner to agree to. Any contract is, of course, legally meaningless – but the point is to concretise and lay out the rules of the relationship in a tangible way.
The removal of safewords/soft limits
Some couples who know one another very well might decide to stop setting safewords, and to disregard the idea of the submissive having “soft limits“. This is a symbolic thing: another way of giving total control to the dominant.
Of course, the removal of safewords doesn’t mean that the submissive cannot stop a play session if they need to: simply that they trust their dominant to know when they need to stop.
Likewise the removal of soft limits doesn’t mean that those soft limits disappear: rather that the dominant is now trusted with controlling the pace of exploration of them.
Hard limits, of course, remain on the table even in the most intense TPE relationships. Hard limits are things that the submissive probably has good reason not to want to do.
Other things
- The dominant partner might provide a contract or a written set of rules for the submissive partner to agree to and follow.
- The dominant may have control over how the submissive behaves in their day to day life. For example, they may set a limit on how much the submissive can drink.
- The dominant may require the submissive to follow protocols or get permission for common tasks. For example, the submissive may have to ask permission to use the bathroom.
- There may be set modes of address between the dominant and the submissive. For example, the submissive may be required to call the dominant “sir”.
- The dominant may make important decisions on behalf of the submissive. For example, it may be left to the dominant to decide if the submissive accepts or declines a job offer.
- The dominant may give the submissive a collar or other piece of symbolic jewellery to mark their status and acknowledge the seriousness of their relationship.
These are some examples, but power exchange can really take whatever form you decide. There’s no prescribed level of control that has to be exchanged for a relationship to be a Total Power Exchange relationship.
Why do people enjoy Total Power Exchange?
People enjoy Total Power Exchange relationships for many different reasons. Here are some of the most common ones.
People enjoy Total Power Exchange relationships because they are extremely intense. Some people view Total Power Exchange as the most extreme and complete form of a dominant/submissive dynamic.
For the dominant partner, the sense of total control may be pleasing, and may allow them to better organise and maintain the relationship.
For a submissive partner to give up control over the minutiae of their life requires a huge amount of trust. It’s the ultimate submission; by surrendering and allowing the dominant partner control even over the non-sexual aspects of their life, they’re putting themselves entirely in the dominant’s hands.
Because the relationship extends into every part of their life, both the dominant and submissive enjoy constant reminders of their chosen power dynamic, even when not in the bedroom.
Misconceptions about Total Power Exchange
Here are some common misconceptions about Total Power Exchange relationships.
That there is a “proper” way to engage with Total Power Exchange. Every couple that engages with Total Power Exchange does so differently. There is no right or wrong way to pursue a Total Power Exchange relationship. It is also entirely at the discretion of the people involved whether something is or isn’t Total Power Exchange. Nobody else’s assessment matters.
Total Power Exchange relationships are common in the kink scene. Total Power Exchange relationships are relatively unusual. It’s not a good fit for most people, and even in couples who do enjoy a Total Power Exchange relationship the exchange is very rarely total. The accounts you read online of Total Power Exchange relationships are often exaggerated to seem more intense and consuming than they actually are.
Total Power Exchange relationships are always on. Most people who play with Total Power Exchange do so on a part-time basis, taking breaks from the dynamic when necessary. The submissive is almost never stripped of all agency, and still has input into their life and the relationship.
TPE is one of the most hardcore, pure and intense kinds of BDSM relationship. In some kink circles Total Power Exchange relationships are talked about as though they are the best and more desirable dynamic for any dominant/submissive couple. They are not. Total Power Exchange is one specific dynamic that may be suited to some couples, and is no better or more “real” than any other kink dynamic.
Total Power Exchange advice
Each relationship is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all advice for people interested in a Total Power Exchange relationship. That said, here are some good general rules to abide by.
Accept that you’ll need to negotiate first. As with any kinky dynamic, in order for it to work in a way that’s agreeable for everyone involved, you’ll need to talk about it a bit first. Discuss what each of you think Total Power Exchange is about, what you want to get out of it, and how it will work practically in your relationship.
Begin with a time-limited period of TPE. Shifting from a normal relationship with some elements of domination and submission to a full-on 24/7 Total Power Exchange relationship will be stressful and jarring. For most people, it’s something you may want to try for a short period of time (a few days, for example) before committing to a long period of TPE.
Be prepared to change protocols and rules. Some rules will work well. Some won’t. It’s a good idea to periodically review your rules (and your contract if you use one) and make changes to anything that isn’t ideal. You can even build a review period into the contract.
Don’t make retreating from a Total Power Exchange impossible. Agree with your partner that it’s okay if a Total Power Exchange relationship doesn’t work out for you. The pressure of having to make it work will make it significantly less enjoyable for everyone involved. If you know that you can stop practising Total Power Exchange without it destroying the relationship, you’ll likely both be more comfortable as you explore.
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